Tuesday, February 27, 2018

Anthropomorphism

ME: (Enters the store.)  Hi there everyone!

CHRIS: Hey there Bahr.

GRIFFIN: Hey.

BRIAN: How's it going.

JAKE: Good morning.

DOOR: Bing bong.

BOARD GAME SHELVES: We are in disarray specifically to frustrate you.

VIDEO GAME RACKS: We'd make more money for you if people could see us.

MINIATURES TOWERS: We block your view of the room because we're too tall.

FUNKO POP SHELVES: Nobody visits us.

COMIC BOOK RACKS: So much room to breathe now.

HVAC: Enjoy the arctic air.

WALLS: Thanks for all the decor you put on us.  Oh wait.

REFRIGERATOR: You can't drink most of the goods I'm slingin'.

A/V SYSTEM: Hope you like Lindsey Stirling for five hours.

COUNTERTOP: I am covered in crap and not efficient and clean-looking.

BOX FULL OF PARTS: Allow me to impede your path to your desk.

ME: (Bumps box full of parts.)  Dammit (under breath)

BOX FULL OF PARTS: Got your shin!

GARBAGE CAN: I'm full of your discarded energy drink cans.

CHAIR: Oh thank you for not discarding me, I know I'm just an ordinary chair but I'm so glad I don't have to live in the game room with all my brothers.

DESK: I've known you since you were 13 years old and you kicked me out of your house.

STACK OF CARDS: Gonna sort me today?  Gonna sort me?  I'm SO out of order!

IMAC: You have like 62 new emails since you left home eleven minutes ago.

IN TRAY: I have a new invoice, two bills, and fifteen scan-and-shreds for you.

PHONE: RIIIIIIIIIIIIIING.

ME: (Doesn't recognize that number.)

BRIAN: I got it!  Good morning, thank you for calling Desert Sky Games, how may I help you, sir or ma'am?  No, the owner isn't here.  No, he doesn't take calls or in-store meetings.  You're welcome to email us.  It's-- huh, they hung up.

ME: (Thumbs up.)

HVAC: And I'm spent for now.

A/V SYSTEM: I lied. Enjoy some Fall Out Boy.

IMAC: A new update is ready that will require you to restart your Mac.

ME: (Looks at 25 open tabs in Safari, plus Word, Excel, and Mail.)  (Selects "Remind me tomorrow.")

SAFE: You'll want to deposit some of my cash, you know.

ME: (Puts jacket back on to walk across the street to the bank.)

DESK: You'll be back.

STACK OF CARDS: Wheeeeeeeee!  I fell over!

CHAIR: Thank goodness he's gone again.

BOX FULL OF PARTS: Still here!

ME: (Bumps box full of parts.  Grimaces.)  SON OF A

BOX FULL OF PARTS: He shoots, he scores!

DOOR: Bing bong.

BIG AL FROM THE SMOKE SHOP NEXT DOOR: Hey there Mike!

ME: Hey Al!

BIG AL'S DOG: Ruff!

ME: Hey Pupper!

CURB: LookoutlookoutLOOKOUT!  Why don't you go to the light!  JAYWALKER!

ME: (Crosses street.)

ATM: BUUUUUUUUUURP.

ME: (Crosses street.)

CIRCLE-K DOOR: Bleet blaaaaaat!

ME: (Picks up protein drink and almond butter snack crackers.)

CASHIER: Three ninety-one.

ME: (Hands over the money.)

CASHIER: Out of four.  Hey, are you guys hiring?

ME: You keep asking that while you're on the clock, are you sure you're safe to do that?

CASHIER: (Shrugs.)  I like Pokemon.

ME: I had my suspicions from your Pokeball tattoo.

CASHIER: Let me know?

ME: Will do.

CIRCLE-K DOOR: Bleet blaaaaaat!

ASPHALT: I give you an inch, you walk all over me.  Heyooooooo

DSG DOOR: Bing bong!

BOARD GAME SHELVES: Still a mess.

VIDEO GAME RACKS: We're ready to move to the front of the room.

COMIC BOOK RACKS: People bought things off me while you were gone.

HVAC: I'm awake!  I'm awake.  Here, have some Canada.

WALLS: We could be serving you so much better, but you don't have time to develop us.

REFRIGERATOR: How about a nice cold Mexican Coke?  That's right, you can't have one!

A/V SYSTEM: Remember MEEEEEEE for centurEEEEEEEs!

COUNTERTOP: Still covered in crap.

ME: (Bumps box full of parts.)

BOX FULL OF PARTS: Damn it feels good to be a gangsta.

CHAIR: I hate existence.

IMAC: Eleven new emails, but they're all purchases from TCGPlayer.

MESS OF CARDS: Are you gonna sort me now?  Soooooort Meeeeeeeeeeee.

ME: (Commences daily finance.)

QUICKBOOKS ONLINE: You need more money.

CHASE: You need more money.

BANK OF AMERICA: You need more money.

AMERICAN EXPRESS: Transaction approved to "WIZARDS OF TH"

PAYPAL: You need more money.

SQUARE: You need more money.

DISTRIBUTORS: Thanks for the money!

AMERICAN EXPRESS: Transaction approved to "GAMES WORKSH"

EBAY: Some guy wants to return a booster pack because it didn't contain a Black Lotus like he expected.  Don't keep him waiting!  Select here to give him all your money, and however much more he wants, and apologize for wasting the King Entitlement's precious time, and we'll sit here and enable this bullsh*t, because screw you, that's why.

FACEBOOK: Some guy messaged the store asking if we buy classic Pokemon cards.  He has several Machamps he will let go for $1000 each.  If we refuse, he says his boy scout troop is doing a project on how many one-star Yelp reviews it takes to drop a business's rating to where Google will no longer show it on Maps.

CRYSTAL COMMERCE: 504 Gateway Timeout Error.

TCGPLAYER: Some guy named Jim Johnson messaged asking us to ship his playset of Flooded Strands to his other address in Kathmandu, Nepal, and to his other name, Bishal Akash.  Want me to email sales support?

MESS OF CARDS: If you're not going to sort me, can you at least get that big silver cube off me?  One of your employees put it here while you were gone.

GAMECUBE: Hi sir!  I'm new here, and this is my controller!  I'm missing my power supply and AV cable, though.

ME: (Raises eyebrow, looks over at box.)

BOX FULL OF PARTS: Hey, hey what are you doing.  Hey, don't look at me like that.  No.  Stop.  What the hell to you think your doAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!  That was mine!  I loved that power supply!  That was MY AV CABLE!  You gave it to me to keep!  This is an outrage!  I'll bump you!  I'll bump you every g*dd*mned hour until you return my property!  DO YOU HEAR ME!

GAMECUBE: Good as new!  Thanks, Bahr!

ME: (Nothing.  Inanimate objects can't talk.)

DOOR: Bing bong!

CUSTOMER: Hey, you guys sell used Gamecubes?

ME: I have awesome news, my friend.


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